Why does she not get angry?

Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

She can easily count on one hand the number of times she got angry. Yes, she did have moments of irritation but rarely the hot, seething flash of anger. Generally shy, you really need to really rile her up to get her angry. The rare occasions she does get angry is when the mama bear in her is provoked. Her friends and colleagues say she has the patience of a saint and she just laughs it off. Infact some of her good friends are those who started off on an angry note with her.

She could easily diffuse tense situations and cheered up people wherever she went. It was important to her that the people in her universe were not angry. Is it because she was a do-gooder or was there something wrong with her? Maybe she wasn’t human since she couldn’t get angry or was she just suppressing the anger? Not in her case.

She did get angry in her younger, hormonal years, not as frequently but she did get angry, boiling mad infact! Her brothers can tell you about it. It all changed almost 6 years back.

After a life changing event, she spent a considerable time introspecting about herself, the people around her, about god, but mostly about herself. She was spiraling downwards and fighting to throw out the negativity in her head. That’s when she realised three simple truths:

Managing expectations. Have you ever thought why we love surprises! It’s because somebody did something that we were not expecting at all. We all tend to have expectations on how things need to be done or need to turn out. We also have expectations from the people around us, how should they behave or their reaction and when these expectations don’t come true, we either get angry or sad or hold a grudge. This is not about the small things which cause irritations but actual anger.

She realised the source of her anger were her expectations which were not necessarily the expectations of the opposite person. Once she was angry when her husband forgot their anniversary. She expected him to remember, maybe do a small gesture for her and was angry when her expectations were not met. She cooked, cleaned, took care of her kid, worked, put up with his behaviours, he should have altleast remembered. Once she controlled her expectations to a realistic level, she realised she did not get angry when the opposite person did or did not do something. Now when someone important in her life forgets her birthday, she calls them to remind them and they enjoy a nice laugh about it. When she does something or says something, she does not expect them to reciprocate.

It took time, but once she learnt to manage her expectations, it brought her the most happiness. Just giving herself fully, unconditionally, without expecting absolutely anything in return. That itself brought her a sense of freedom and happiness. And unexpectedly when the opposite person reacts, well it is a beautiful “Surprise”!! Instead of anger, she infact gained happiness in return.

Not my drama. Sometimes we get sucked into situations even when you have not done anything, bearing the full brunt of somebody’s anger. Her BFF will agree with her. Earlier, she would cry, hurt and sometimes even get pulled in that angry outburst, escalating it further. It could be with your loved ones, your colleague or the stranger in the bus.

She realised that each one of us is dealing with our own set of issues. You don’t know where the other person is coming from and what has happened before. Her favourite example is when someone throws a dirty rag at you, will you catch it or avoid it? Simple isn’t it! But took her an exceptionally long time to really grasp it.

Now she assesses the situation first. Is she in any danger or if the conversation derogatory / unacceptable? If yes, she warns them upfront before it escalates. She tells them to lower their tone and mind their words. If it doesn’t change, she simply walks away or disconnects the call, asking the person to speak with her when they are in control of their emotions. It is not her drama to deal with.

If she assesses, it is safe, she lets them talk and once they have quietened down, she simply puts a hand on their shoulder to ask if they are ok, offer them water or coffee or just takes them on a walk with her. Most of the time they either break down or just stay quiet. She stays with them in their silence until they are ready to speak. She does not give solutions or tell them it will be ok; she just acknowledges their anguish and stays with them until they get back in control. Some of her good friends today are those who walked with her. She does not get sucked in the harsh words but peels away the layers of drama and focuses on the person itself.

You can’t win them all. She has accepted that no matter what she does, there are some people whom she cannot win over. These people will try to drag her down, spread rumours or use any back-handed way to vent their accusations or disillusions. She smiles away the rumours. She does not explain or defend herself, simply ignores them and like all rumours let’s it die their own death. It bugs the hell out of these people that they can’t affect her. Sometimes she gets cheeky – once a colleague was being unreasonable and was screaming at her team. In the middle of his rant, she held up her hand and with a serious face asked him “Where did you buy that wristwatch, is it any good? I am looking for a gift for a family member” (which was true)! The flustered colleague started answering her before he realised what happened, and both burst out laughing.

It’s not that she does not feel any negative emotions. Her biggest weakness is if she ends up hurting someone she loves or respects, that is what really breaks her back. She does get hurt, feel pain, gets sad but now she is able to not let it turn into anger or negative feelings. In time, she will figure out how to deal with these as well. One day at a time.

That’s why she does not get angry!

(Do post in the comments what helps you to control your anger, I would love to hear about it)